Regrets

by Jenna DeLaurentis

I should be in Korea right now. It should be 10:30 AM, not 8:30 PM. I should have already woken up on August 8, 2012, gotten a shower, and should have eaten a unique Asian breakfast. I should doing something incredible today, like walking around Seoul or going to the DMZ, bordering North and South Korea. I should be learning Korean and experiencing a foreign country for the first time in my life.

But I am not.

I should have applied for the CIEE South Korea Scholarship. I should have not backed down when my parents said no and I should have applied. But I did not. And I have no idea why. I regret not applying so badly and I would give anything for it to be April again so I could fill out the application. Even if I did not get accepted, I should have applied because I wouldn't lose anything by trying.

Is this what I will feel if I never apply for a high school program? Will I look at pictures of people on exchange and feel this same regret I feel now? I don't think I can take that. It hurts, knowing I could be having an amazing experience but did not even get the chance to try.

I try to live without regrets. THAT is why I want to do exchange. But how can I live without regrets if my parents are not allowing me to go for what I want and live my dreams? I never knew, when I decided I could not apply, that I would feel so regretful. That I would be so angry at myself for not applying. But should I feel angry at myself, if it was my parents who told me no?

I just NEED to do this. I am not like my siblings or any of my friends. I have a sense of adventure that cannot wait, and having it be shot down so many times is taking a toll on me. In a way, it makes me upset, being practically laughed at by my parents and siblings as they tell me it will never happen. On the other hand, it makes me stronger, knowing I can prove them wrong and do the one thing I want to do.

I just.. I don't know what to think. I already have a travel regret and it is for a TWO WEEK program. What kind of regret will I have if I am never able to do a longer exchange program? If I am not even given the chance to apply?